


Ask For Help (It Gets Better)

by bubblegumclouds



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Caring Harry, Crying, Depression, Fainting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Internet Friends, M/M, Major Illness, NO DEATH, No Smut, Sick Louis, Suicidal Louis, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Romance, implied/referenced eating disorder, national suicide prevention day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 19:58:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15956441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumclouds/pseuds/bubblegumclouds
Summary: Written for National Suicide Prevention Day. Please proceed with caution if you think this work could trigger you.Harry and Louis have been internet best friends for a long time and Harry thinks he knows Louis inside and out. Louis' world of secrets comes crashing down when Harry wants to take their friendship further.





	Ask For Help (It Gets Better)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written, edited and posted in one day so please forgive any mistakes.
> 
> IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP. I PROMISE YOU ARE NOT ALONE, PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
> 
> IF YOU NEED HELP, HERE IS A LIST OF NUMBERS- http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
> 
> This work contains some themes of distressing nature and suicide. There is no death but the contents could still be triggering so please don't read if you think you cannot handle it.
> 
> Twitter and tumblr- angeltxmlinson

Louis stood up on shaky legs, the muscles visibly quivering beneath the pale skin as he made his way from the bed to the laptop. He was a lot more exhausted than he usually would be as he slumped in his desk chair and booted up the computer. He knew today would be a day he was going to dread massively. He’d been talking to HLoves1Dx for a _long_ time and no matter how much Louis denied it, he knew Harry would soon be asking to video call.

Now it wasn’t that Louis was a murderer or an old man, he was exactly who he said he was. He just... didn’t have as much life in him anymore. In his profile picture he’d used one of him a couple of years ago, his skin tanned, his fringe styled and he was beaming. He’d been out with Calvin for a drink to celebrate them finishing college and heading to university, it was a good day. It was one of Louis’ last good days.

That was how Harry viewed him, Harry with the ever-changing profile picture and cute ringlet curls. Louis had fawned pathetically over every single picture he’d uploaded and they had all been recent selfies unlike Louis’. Each image having a link to a relevant event or timestamp to show when it had been taken. Currently, it was a picture of him with a crimson hoodie on, the loose fabric draping over his curls. It was from the other day because he could see a poster for a concert in the background that had happened on that day.

Louis hated that Harry could do that. Louis was too ugly, too lifeless, too pathetic. His acne had grown more intense with the less he looked after himself, his cheekbones didn’t pop like they used to, they just highlighted his sunken cheeks. His skin was blue tinted instead of sunkissed and he hadn’t been outside in weeks. He’d hidden behind his former self online, hoping if he clung onto it enough he could convince himself he was the same person.

Logging on he saw 3 new messages from Harry and this was already a rare occurrence as Harry liked to cram everything into insanely long messages. Louis was more of a triple message kind of person.

**Hloves1Dx:** _hey so I hinted at it for a while and I don’t know if you just didn’t want to or not, I’m not sure_

**Hloves1Dx:** _maybe we could skype? I mean it’s been a while I just want to hear your voice and see you for real_

**Hloves1Dx:** _well, not for real but as real as we can get! Let me know!_

Louis felt sick. Well, that wasn’t a new thing but he felt a lot more sick than he usually would. He knew if he said no, his and Harry’s friendship would fade to nothing and right now it was basically the only thing that got him up in the morning. He also knew that he couldn’t skype Harry, there was no amount of makeup or smiles to hide how completely wrecked he was

He thought about it for a long time, he went over and over in his head as he ate his breakfast apple. No matter how many times he reread over the message, he knew there was nothing he could do but give Harry a straight answer one way or the other.

**Tommo28:** _im not really up for that just yet_

**Tommo28:** _i hope thats ok :)_

Louis bit his bleeding nails until he saw Harry’s typing symbol, too much was in the balance. It felt like his only friend was currently deciding his fate. Louis desperately wanted to look away but also couldn’t dream of doing so.

__**Hloves1Dx:** _ oh sure, sorry _

That answer wasn’t Harry, not the Harry he knew anyway and that’s what prompted him to send another message.

__**Tommo28:** _ alright I changed my mind curly , voice only though , I’ve just woken up ! _

That seemed to make Harry feel a lot better as he wrote back with a string of smiley face emoji’s. Louis had backed himself into a corner but when Harry’s beaming grin was staring at him from the left side of the screen, it seemed worth it.

__-_ _

“Hello, Louis?” Harry’s muffled voice hesitantly crackled through the speaker. Louis’ heart leapt at how beautifully it seemed to match everything to do with his profile. Louis took a big inhale and paraded the most cheery voice he could manage.  
“Hey Harry,” Louis replied, astounded that it actually sounded somewhat happy. Harry seemed utterly delighted, his words rushing out faster than he could stop them.

“It’s so weird to hear your voice! But not like... weird weird, just like, um, strange because I feel like we’re best friends already but this is the first time I’m hearing you speak, you know?” Harry rambled and Louis was relieved he seemed to want to do all the talking.  
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Louis muttered but light enough that it didn’t seem too dim.

It turns out Harry really was a talker, although his words seemed to slow, they still kept quite a lengthy time going. Louis quickly realised, in the middle of Harry recounting his favourite Liam video, that Harry’s voice was his new favourite sound. Only narrowly beating the swallows outside his window.

“Sorry, I’ve been talking so much. Mum says I always do that! Tell me about your day,” Harry apologised and Louis tried to keep himself calm but talking over long lengths made him feel too ill.  
“’ve not been up to much really, I liked hearing about your day,” Louis tried to bounce it back onto Harry, feeling his stomach unpleasantly churn with nerves and lack of food. Harry rustled for a second before his voice came back.

“You sound a bit down, you alright Lou bear?” Harry asked, not phased by any of it because they’d known each other for so long. Louis envied that, he wished he could be like Harry, wished Harry was here to see the state he was in and help. But he wasn’t, he was just some poor, naive boy who seemed to have found something he liked in Louis that would inevitably fade.  
“Yeah, I’m fine, just tired,” Louis put on the best voice he could but it gave him a bit of a cough. There was some sort of substance in his flat that his lungs didn’t seem to like, apart from the dust that was always there.  
“Lou? Are you ill?” Harry asked and Louis tried to catch his breath, praying away the light-headedness.

“No, no. I’m fine,” Louis weakly assured, part of him wanted Harry to know. Just to see what would happen, whether he really would leave when he saw the real Louis. Another childish part (the part that still liked to watch Peter Pan) thought that maybe Harry could be his saviour. He stared down at the phone, Harry’s picture covering the screen and a tear slipped. He’d ruined this already, he’d spent so long building up a friendship with Harry and now he was going to lose it all on one call by being his sad self. Louis coughed again, a gross sounding gargle coming from his throat.

“Lou? I’m video calling you, you’re worrying me,” Harry didn’t ask, he simply told and Louis rushed to cover the camera as he pressed accept. He feared if he didn’t Harry would leave.  
“Louis, uncover your camera love. It’s okay if you’re sad or ill,” Harry was sweet, sweeter than Louis felt he deserved and it all came crashing down on him.

“I-I’m sorry,” Louis’ voice cracked, his hands trembling and his brain going fuzzy again. Harry could very easily tell Louis was in a bad place now, the emotion weighed in his voice even over the crackly internet and fuzzy microphone.  
“Louis, uncover the camera, please? You’re scaring me,” Harry admitted and that hurt Louis so bad. One day, that was all he needed to be okay for. He couldn’t even manage to keep up the facade for 5 fucking minutes.

“O-Okay but just, know that I-I’m really sorry for lying. I’m sorry f-for making you believe I’m something t-that I’m not,” Louis cried but tried to keep ahold of himself somewhat so he could use the disgust of Harry’s face to motivate him not to screw up.  
“Oh god, Louis, who are you?” Harry sounded nervous and scared and Louis didn’t dare look at his face just yet. He had done that, he had put the tremor in Harry’s voice and the panting in his breath. He lifted the camera up, showing his face for the first time. He couldn’t look at Harry, another reason he was pathetic. He hurt his best friend, the one he’d fallen for and he couldn’t even look at what he’d done.

“Oh Lou, don’t scare me like that,” Harry shakily sighed, placing his hand on his chest and Louis finally forced his gaze at the phone.  
“W-What?” Louis asked before coughing again, he’d inhaled too much and his chest ached with it.  
“I just t- Louis is that... blood?” Harry’s eyes widened and Louis looked down panicked only to see his hand had smeared the blood he’d coughed up over his lips.  
“O-Oh yeah sorry, i-it happens sometimes w-when I cough. G-God, I-I’m gonna go I’m so sorry,” Louis realised how insane he sounded yet it was the truth, he couldn’t do anything about it.

“No! Don’t go,” Harry quickly shouted, startling Louis and making his heart skip.  
“Sorry, that was sudden. I mean, I want to help you, Louis. You shouldn’t be coughing up blood. What’s going on?” Harry asked, looking so worried and so kind. Louis sighed deeply, the inhale burning like a bonfire in his chest.

Louis knew Harry wasn’t a therapist but he couldn’t help spilling out everything. He told him the tales of his parents, the harsh toll his friends leaving had taken, the last day he was happy. He cried about the pain he was in every day and how he couldn’t find it in himself to get up every morning. He kept talking and talking and he couldn’t seem to stop, everything came pouring out. He realised that he’d waited for so fucking long for someone to finally ask him what was wrong that the second the words passed his lips, Louis was gone... that was until he’d finished and he realised what he’d done.

Harry sat there silently for a second, staring at the camera. Louis just trembled, the silence so heartbreaking and his eyes were blurring before he ended the call. Unable to see the empty stare he was sure would have been in the corner of that screen.

He discarded the phone so fast it may as well have burnt his hand and he curled up, so cold and alone that even the dark thoughts were no longer keeping him company. The coldness of his flat mixed with the deep chill of his stomach and made an icy cocktail of pure hatred for himself, for his head. He could feel his stomach trying to eject and he bitterly fought against it, he’d lost so much he didn’t need to lose parts of his own body too. He heard the constant pinging of messages but they echoed too far away in his brain to register. Eventually, they stopped but Louis only noticed because the bug he’d been watching on the wall had finally slipped between the frayed edge of the carpet.

He had no idea how long Harry had been gone for. No idea how long he’d left Harry’s brain for. He wondered if this was the first time he’d wandered off the path of Harry’s thought trail or if it happened all the time. Harry had more to his life than Louis, more things to focus on, more people to speak to, more of his future to believe he’d be there to see. He wondered if it had been hours like it felt or if the minutes had just stretched to accommodate.

“Police, open up!” came from the door and Louis’ heart raced. Tears he thought he didn’t have left in him bubbled to the surface because he didn’t realised he’d lied that bad. He didn’t realise he’d changed so much that Harry could call the police on him. He pictured Harry angry, yelling that some deranged man had catfished him, sending over pictures of Louis. Had Harry rang his parents from university, told them the horrors he’d seen? Had they calmed him, told him it would be alright? That the police would get the scary man who did this to him?

The police knocked the door down, it landed with a dust cloud so heavy that it whirled into a smoke-like fog. Louis choked on it, hacking up substances he didn’t even think he had in his body as he grasped what was left of his sheets in his weak grip. He registered people in his face asking him things but none of it sunk in, all that was sinking in was the blood from his throat into the pillow below his head.

-

To say he woke up and nothing felt real was a lie. The white walls didn’t blind him and the setting didn’t alarm him because all he could register was how horrendous he felt. His body had gotten a break from existing for however long but now Louis felt the weight of the damage he had done to himself pressing on him.

He wondered when they’d tell him his sentence, wondered if he’d see Harry on the other side of the room, his beautiful lip wobbling and his eyes as blank as Louis had imagined them before he ended that call. The doctors clattered around him but the steady inhale behind his oxygen mask was all Louis focussed on. When the police came, he wanted to be terrified, but all he could do was feel like his life was pointless. They could throw him away for life but he could promise one thing, it wouldn’t last very long. After years of being so alone, so depressed and with nothing left. He already had the life sentence he assumed they were giving him.

“Hello Louis, we’re glad you’re awake. We were wondering if you remember anything that happened yesterday?” The woman was sweet and Louis was thankful for that.  
“I-I called Harry a-and I told him everything a-and then I ended the call and you showed up,” Louis blankly explained, figuring he may as well save what little breath he had for questioning.

“Okay, do you know why the police were called Louis?” She asked and this time Louis did cry. He didn’t want to hear it, hear what he’d done to Harry. He shook his head, hoping that somehow that would mean he wouldn’t have to hear it.  
“We were called because Harry was worried that you might do something like commit suicide, would that be correct?” She asked and Louis froze completely.  
“I-I’m sorry, c-could you repeat that?” Louis asked as best he could, his tears wetting the edge of his mask as he choked on whatever he was dribbling.

“Harry was worried that you might die through your own means or your situation,” She explained and Louis fell back against the pillow, so relieved with the weight that had been taken that his heart skipped and alerted the monitor.  
“I think we should leave him to get better, he’s not in a good enough condition yet.” Louis registered them talking about him, writing on their pad but nothing was working. Nothing was going in. They left somewhere between 10-30 minutes after Louis stopped talking and Louis left himself not long after that. He didn’t know what was being pumped into his body but after so long of not being alert, things were alarming now. He lay there, so lost.

-

“Louis, Harry’s here to see you,” One of the nurses informed him and that was the first thing that Louis could remember truly knowing. It hit him so fast, this boy who actually cared for him enough to call the police was here. Harry was here.

“Louis, oh my god I was so worried,” Harry was babbling but Louis just stared. His blue eyes burned into Harry’s soft hoodie, he reached out and gently brushed his finger along the pocket, hooking it around the corner. Harry paused and watched as tears dripped down Louis’ cheeks and he pulled the mask away.  
“I-I never thought...” Louis’ voice was hoarse, sounding like he’d swallowed gravel. Harry reached out and traced Louis’ cheekbone with a smile.

“I-I knew you were beautiful, have a proper crush on you I do. I-I had no idea how bad it was Lou, they told me they found y-your lungs f-full of this stuff. Said they couldn’t even find out anything other than your name,” Harry gasped in disbelief, sitting down and beginning to run his fingers through Louis’ hair. Harry acted as if they’d met before which both made Louis feel so sick but so comforted. Harry was Louis’ angel, he knew that in the way Harry looked at him. The understanding, the love, nothing about this phased him and it should have been so weird but it wasn’t. It was almost like because Louis had been so close to just giving up that anything afterwards didn’t matter.

“T-That’s me, a-a lone wolf stuffed with crap,” Louis commented and something amazing happened. They shared a genuine smile, despite the fact that a mask was covering one of the grins. Harry sat there after that, just gently curling Louis’ hair around his finger and rubbing his chest when he coughed. Louis had never felt so content, so whole. Every time Harry smiled at him or brushed the dark circles under his eyes soothingly, Louis felt a piece of him heal. Although he knew Harry was a temporary fix on a bigger problem (more like a plaster on a burned down house), Louis felt like he could face things a little easier now he knew the way Harry’s hands felt encasing his.

“I want you to be my roommate,” Harry blurted out and Louis was so shocked, he choked. Harry panicked, elevating Louis and patting his back, wincing when he felt Louis’ spine digging into his palm sharply.  
“S-Sorry, what?” Louis asked, a grin spreading across his face, one he hadn’t done in a long time.

“I was thinking about it as they were telling me about your flat. It’s inhabitable Lou, inhabitable,” Harry said in disbelief, Louis laughed at his surprise.  
“Yeah, why’d you think I could afford it? You, um, heard my story so...” Louis trailed off, not even wanting to go there with how much he’d accidentally spilt.  
“Lou, I know it’s insane... but I-I have never been so worried about anyone in my life,” Harry whispered, brushing his thumb over Louis’ knuckles. Louis giggled, squeezing Harry’s hand with as much strength as he could.

“It is insane b-but, I mean have you seen me? I cough up blood on an hourly interval,” Louis jokingly retorted but as much as Harry was clearly attempting to smile, it faltered a little.  
“Sorry, badly timed. T-This is the real L-Louis coming through,” Louis apologised and Harry lifted Louis’ hand, holding it under his chin.  
“Is it bad that I love the real Lou?” Harry squinted, kissing Louis’ hand. If Louis could have swooned, he would have. It didn’t feel like butterflies because his stomach was so empty that his acid was dissolving it, but it could definitely get there.

“Is that a yes then?” Harry cut through Louis’ intense gaze, clearly unphased by any odd things Louis did.  
“Yes, you mental bugger. When I’m out of here in 5 years, I will,” Louis smiled and Harry laughed along this time, seeing that it made Louis happy.  
“You’ll be out in a few weeks, dork, you always were so dramatic,” Harry teased and Louis was amazed at how Harry was literally his messages come to life.

“You know me, I’ll die just to get you to admit you have a crush on me,” Louis rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the stars burning in them from the action. Harry noticed because of course he did.  
“I, um, I didn’t mean to say that and I’d hoped you hadn’t heard it but alright. I do, and I’d very much like it if you stopped dying to get me to admit things,” Harry laughed and Louis couldn’t help but laugh along too. This gorgeous boy was here, the one who had kept him alive for over a year and they were cracking death jokes in a hospital. Yet Louis had never felt more alive than when Harry looked at him with the care, love and patience Louis _never_ thought he’d be worthy of.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Suicide numbers, please know you are not alone- http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
> 
> Twitter and Tumblr- angeltxmlinson


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